Where Is Home?

Heyo!

A common question I got asked a lot in my very first week of university was a simple one, and one I used to know the answer to instantly. 

"Where's home for you then?"

"Brighton."

It's worth noting I say Brighton because NOBODY knows where Worthing is!

So, this would get asked, I would answer, and then ask them back, and they'd do the same. It was a much simpler time in first year. It was before I knew a lot about myself, what I wanted (or knew what I didn't want) to do, and before I knew that dark fruits was my drink of choice and not vodka which I stupidly claimed. A time when Bath didn't feel like home, I knew nobody and nobody knew me. The first three weeks I felt so painstakingly low and numb and wanted nothing more than to run home and quit uni and return to the seaside town I'd called home for over 18 years.

I eventually made friends with different people and found myself part of friendships groups I could only have dreamed of, inclusive and wonderful rich with beautiful people both inside and out. Don't get me wrong, I made friends with some people who have since left my life for whatever reason, and that's fine because I know the people that are actively in my life in this second, however infrequently I see them, are the only people I need. Over the last almost-three years I have formed a dysfunctional and unconventional family and support network in Bath you see on TV and never think you'll find in real life.

I come to the beach when I'm struggling at home, I always have done and it really helps me feel at home and allows me to breathe

I've got the friends I don't see much outside of uni but I know I could go to if I needed to and vice versa. I have friends that I've had since day one like Trey and Alice and Sarah and Ollie (literally Ollie strolled into my kitchen and offered us all tea in his pjs as our flat had no kettle, a true friend indeed) and many others that lived in Twerton like Liv and Shannon and Issie and Emily and so many more. I have Tasmin, and as of late her housemates who have been some of the loveliest most supportive people if it's to help with heartbreak over people and situations, or (more likely) the fact they keep adding milk powder back into bourbons. I have new friends like James and Beth and Beth (yes, both of you!) and I've got my long-term gal pal Bronte who have made uni a much easier time than I thought. I've got my wonderful housemate E-J who's seen me laugh, cry, and at the gym too (a horrible sight!) I am surrounded by wonderful, beautiful people who don't make Bath seem a scary horrible place anymore. Obviously there are people that aren't as prominent as they once were but they've made an impact on my uni life which even though wasn't always positive helped me work on myself and now what I will and won't tolerate. I have my home friends too of course, but the ones that have kept in contact through uni have made me realise that I could be anywhere and still be at home with them checking in on me and vice versa.

To all these wonderful people I say: you know who you are and you're what make saying home is Worthing really difficult and more of a lie every time.

Worthing is my hometown, Boring Goring is where I grew up and raced around on my scooter with my walkman and had so many wonderful times, but I don't know if it is home anymore. That being said, Bath doesn't feel like home, it feels like a breath of fresh air, so does Worthing when I'm there. Neither one feels like home, but the people there at that time make it feel that bit better. 

Another place I come when I go to Goring, I usually take Misty too because she's a sucker for a field!

I've been able to redefine what home is to me in the last few weeks, and it came from me talking to Robyn about how much I miss 'home' when I am in Bath, but how much I call Bath 'home' when I am here to my mum (she's never offended she gets it!) My way of seeing it is, when I'm not in one of the two places I have grown up in and lived in, I feel sad and like I miss it. I refer to one as home when I am currently in the other, but the two are never interchangeable to me. Whilst Worthing is where I grew up and is technically my 'home', I grew far more as a person in Bath and it is here I forged a life for myself, that's where I pay rent and study and have independence and I am unfiltered, unrestricted and feel a bit freer. I love coming back to Worthing for a break, but it stopped feeling like 'home' about a year ago which was a weird adjustment for me.

Most of the people I used to associate with Worthing and its surrounding areas have all gone and forged their own lives in other places, or they've remained there and forged beautiful lives for themselves against all the odds and obstacles that came at them head on. I'm so proud of all of them, and I know wherever they end up going I can see and talk to them, and that will feel reminiscent of home too. Alisha moved to Cambridge after a sucky year, and she's madly in love with her wonderful boyfriend and is excited for her future. My dear dude Matt found love and success in Kent and he's published his own novel! Robyn stayed in Worthing and has a wonderful flat with Josh and they're really happy living in the seaside town they know and love. They all have their homes, and by reflecting on them and so many more people I've realised, so do I.

Home is where your people are, so here are two of my favourite people! (In this scenario, home was the pub, and I'm okay with that!)

The main factor for me when deciding where home is is pretty simple (and sounds like something your parents or that weird 'can I talk to the manager' lady Brenda has in her home) and for me home is where the people are that make you feel loved, safe and wanted. I think that's why I struggle to define it as one or the other, because I have wonderful people in both locations.

So next time someone asks me (and I hope they read this and don't!) I'll tell them it's where my people are because that's as close as I am to having an answer right now, and that's totally fine. I'm going to enjoy spending time in my hometown and stop worrying about upsetting anyone by not calling it 'home' or saying Bath is 'home' by accident. Right now things are good and I'm surrounded by love and happiness. I've ditched the negativity and negative people, and everywhere feels like home with my people around me. My home might not be a location, or an end-goal (frankly I have NO CLUE what I'm doing, but that's okay nobody really does, honest!) but in the end home is my people are and most likely wherever I can find beautiful dogs and bourbons and tea.

B x