Personal Reflection and Thoughts

Heyo!

I'm back for now, did you miss me?! 

I've felt really uneasy at the thought of blogging again, but this is something I do when I need to write something other than university essays and such, or my own personal projects like my poetry or fiction or recipes etc. This is also, as many of you probably know, my little safe space where I can write about whatever I need to, and right now I have lots of stuff going on that I don't want to talk about, but need a break from, so I'm back on the blog once more!

I thought I might do an 'October Favourites' post, but I'm not sure if I need to or not because I did blog every day and I shared so much with you lot that in all honesty I feel you all knew pretty much everything going on in my life for those 31 days. I did love lots about October, but maybe in another post I'll talk about them. Right now, I need to just write a bit about wherever my mind goes. I'm not going to edit this for clarity, I am literally just writing this because life is weird and crazy right now and my journal is getting pretty sick of me writing all my problems in there. So here I am!

I've gone through a lot lately in regards to personal stuff, some has been amazing, some has been scary and strange and unfamiliar to me, and other bits have been very sad. I'm not going to disclose them here as it wouldn't be right, and even though I felt those things last month, I have already made a lot of progress on them. If anyone is now concerned, please don't be. You don't need to worry about me because I'm not drowning in things anymore, I'm treading the water and I'll soon be swimming through it with ease once more. I'm doing okay now, and to everyone that has helped me, even if you don't think you did a lot by letting me talk and listening I thank you so much, you people are brilliant and I truly do not deserve you.

Bronte and me went book shopping and it really cheered me up!

I'm looking after myself now, but in October I kinda wobbled a lot with self-care unfortunately, and as a result I lost quite a bit of weight. It wasn't because things or people made me sad, and it wasn't because I didn't want to eat, it's just what I was eating wasn't always too good for me, and if I did eat well, it was at really weird times and not that often. I didn't give myself time to just be, and try and deal with things at the beginning of the month which meant by the halfway point I burned out. Looking back on Blogtober almost two weeks on, you can clearly see this when I was panic-writing posts due to being let down or running out of ideas due to my mental state. I've spent the last almost-two-weeks really taking care of me, and not just treating myself to things, but investing in myself like with some good herbal teas because I've been ill (Lidl's lemon and ginger tea is my saving grace!) and things like avocados as a treat to make my meals a bit more nutritious and exciting. I'm a lot better now, and I am so glad I've been looking after myself.

I've also been going to counselling, which has really helped. I've been talking to my lovely counsellor about lots of things, and they don't ever pry. It just flows naturally, and even though I am nearing the end of my sessions I am so grateful to have found a counsellor that gets me and doesn't force me to talk about things. They've let me talk about things and often resolve and identify things myself. Sometimes we as humans need people to listen, and not to give us sympathy, or to empathise, or to pity. I needed that. I talked about things from the past I've never spoken to anyone about and as a result I have identified parts of my life which it has been affected by, and now know not to make these same mistakes because that is not out of my life and I can finally move on.

Another thing I did in October was fall a little behind in uni work, because I was so worried about aspects of my life beyond my control I forgot to focus on them as hard as I should. Now these things have gone, and there is nothing I can do about the ones that remain, I have been fully immersing myself in my work, and I feel a heck of a lot better for it. I feel when bad things are going on, you shouldn't throw yourself right into things, you need that time to process what the heck is going on and also to heal a bit. Then you can go ahead and focus on other things, but process, reflect and heal a bit first otherwise it will be harder in the long run for you. Be kind to yourself.

I feel lighter. I feel stronger. I feel ill. I feel better. I feel focused. I feel good.

Most importantly, I have re-centred back on to me, and I am my main priority in the least narcissistic way possible. I think you need to realise that heck yeah, you're the shit. You are beautiful, you are smart, you are funny, you are amazing. I think more of us need to realise it than we think, and when we do, even if we don't always believe it, we will feel so much better for it.

I might have had a weird couple of months, but I know now I'm back on the right track, and I'm looking after number one first, and that doesn't make me selfish or a bad person. So now I'm going to make some fancy cafetière coffee because I deserve it and crack on with some uni work and maybe bake myself some banana bread.

Look after yourself,

B x