Yeah, that didn't really work. Shame that. Whoops. Let's try round two.
Recently I've been struggling a lot with what I should be doing. Should I be trying to use the degree that student finance have oh so kindly added over four-thousand pounds to? Wouldn't it be great if I just got a grad job and followed the path oh so many wanted me to? What about finally, seriously trying to learn another language that isn't dutch for the second time because I think it sounds charming? How about bringing the blog back, because you've never tried that before Beckie, maybe the fourth time around it'll work out? Truth is, I've got no f*****g clue what I'm supposed to even be doing anymore. There's a plethora of options at my feet even three-hundred and seventy-two days since I got given a handshake and paid way too much to become Rebecca Poole, young professional, BA in English Literature and Publishing.
And then there's my disability which over the last couple of years has decided to fully rear its ugly head and limit my activities to sitting in bed in tears because my arms hurt too much to even knit on a bad day. Don't get me wrong - this is not a constant pain, but it's enough to really damage my chances of achieving the super flashy, spanking brand new grad job with wheels on that I was sold when I signed up for university. I can't sit in one position for too long otherwise my body seizes up, but I can't move too much because my body seizes up. I'm going to be doing a later post about my EDS because if I'm slowly going to become immobile then I'm going to go down screaming, fighting, yelling from the rooftops and educating as many as I can about it.
At times in the last year I've really struggled with the idea of one day having to use assistance in my everyday life, and it's something that's got me into such a dark mindset. In November I went to my doctor and we had a discussion about whether or not I should go back onto antidepressants and start therapy to help cope with the way my EDS was affecting me. I decided not to and instead asked my friends for love, support and acceptance. My friends being the beautiful souls they are scooped me up and made me feel like I could do anything for the first time in a long time. I'm now constantly reminded of my support network and in total awe that they have given me so many safe spaces around the country in which I feel comfortable, welcome, accepted and able. I live in a beautiful flat with the most wonderful human I could have ever asked to co-exist with. I have such a supportive partner that helps me on my bad days and reminds me that the world is indeed my oyster and I can do anything I put my mind to. My family are very supportive and as always have encouraged me to chase my dreams and goals. Friends have become family over the last few years and I am so grateful for their beautiful presence in my often gloomy outlook on the world. They brighten it and guide me out of any complex issues my brain decides to conjure up.
I've finally plucked up the courage to go to the doctors, who advised I quit my job to focus on my health and pursue something less physically demanding. This was the hardest pill to swallow and even on my last shift I felt so guilty for leaving - my work pals became my family when most of my uni friends moved away, pursued their passions, weren't available or just ghosted the crap out of me. Although I don't work with them anymore they've all reassured me that they're all there still and I'm still invited to go to the pub with them for a pint and a laugh - two things I'm already in need of.
This was very much a free-form post. I'm not entirely sure of its purpose, but my brain feels a little less full of the everyday anxieties I've been living with for the last year or so. So now I am going to leave them all here. I might delete them one day, I might just keep them here. If I feel really strongly I'll probably let this blog die and try another one. I'm not too sure I even relate to the girl I was last year let alone three years ago. I think it's time nineteen year old Beckie is allowed to be left alone by current me, because she's tired of hashing out old memories and ideas.
The girl writing this now is; self-aware, unapologetic, ambitious, witty, elevated, diligent and totally throwing herself and all caution to the wind.
I am she, and she is done.
Beckie
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