Heyo!
I've been swamped the last few months with uni work, most notably the disgusting dissertation, which has seen my cry, stress-eat approximately ten packets of bourbons, many cups of tea and more coffee than your local Costa even has in stock. I wanted to do a blog post talking about it, the issues and people that I've come across along the way and also talk a bit about extensions and how just because you have mental health, physical health or other issues you should feel super proud for doing it, even if it's after everyone else hands theirs in.
After months of drafting, writing, making notes, reading, editing, proofing and discussing all of my work and completing work experience at a prestigious academic journal I handed in my 7,300 word 'dissertation'. I say 'dissertation', because it wasn't a traditional one, but I still did the same word count as others, so to anyone who has had the audacity to say mine was way easier or try and belittle me I say this: I did more than you, so shh. It took me a really long time to try and figure out how and what I wanted to write, so I spent a long time researching all aspects of my subject area.
I don't want to bore everyone with my topic, because in all honesty I heard a good thirty dissertation titles and all of them made me go 'um...what's that?' and made me feel a bit dumb. I did a debate paper on Open Access, which in a nutshell means making research and information online and freely available to anyone who wants to access it (basically the critics you have to pay to access if you want to use them in your essay, they're always the perfect ones too dang it!) I then did work experience on an academic journal and wrote a reflective journal about my experiences during my placement and what I learned throughout the whole process. I felt this would be better for me than writing 8,000 words on something I would initially love and inevitably end up hating. I loved doing this and it was so interesting, it gave me a good insight into academic publishing and I got to work with my wonderful supervisor who was very helpful and calmed me down a lot, Nic if you ever read this you're bloody marvellous.
Through my debate paper I discovered arguments for and against, and I reached out to many leading academics asking them about their opinions. To my delight and much to my surprise some actually responded to me, including one Peter Suber, and I got a bit starstruck! That's weird considering that back in September I didn't know who half of these people were. The whole thing was so amazing, and I feel like I've learned way more than I would have done otherwise.
I don't want to bore everyone with my topic, because in all honesty I heard a good thirty dissertation titles and all of them made me go 'um...what's that?' and made me feel a bit dumb. I did a debate paper on Open Access, which in a nutshell means making research and information online and freely available to anyone who wants to access it (basically the critics you have to pay to access if you want to use them in your essay, they're always the perfect ones too dang it!) I then did work experience on an academic journal and wrote a reflective journal about my experiences during my placement and what I learned throughout the whole process. I felt this would be better for me than writing 8,000 words on something I would initially love and inevitably end up hating. I loved doing this and it was so interesting, it gave me a good insight into academic publishing and I got to work with my wonderful supervisor who was very helpful and calmed me down a lot, Nic if you ever read this you're bloody marvellous.
Through my debate paper I discovered arguments for and against, and I reached out to many leading academics asking them about their opinions. To my delight and much to my surprise some actually responded to me, including one Peter Suber, and I got a bit starstruck! That's weird considering that back in September I didn't know who half of these people were. The whole thing was so amazing, and I feel like I've learned way more than I would have done otherwise.
Now, when it came to actually doing this work I struggled a lot due to my EDS and my mental health. I got given an extension, and someone decided to tell me this was unfair because I wasn't disabled, and to this person who won't give the satisfaction of naming I say educate yourself, because clearly you cannot comprehend that being disabled doesn't mean being in a wheelchair or be something you can always see. I suffer with EDS, a very serious condition which I have spoken about on my blog several times, most notably in this post, but this didn't really hinder me as much as I had anticipated. It did stop me writing out my notes as much, and it did stop me typing out my work which was very stressful as my brain was moving so fast and my hands couldn't keep up and it felt like when a computer crashes. My hands were that little wheel of doom and it was infuriating at times, but hot cups of tea and finally buying some gloves helped big time!
My depression really hit me at times, making me doubt whether what I was doing was the right thing to do, or if I should even do university because I didn't feel good or smart enough to even be there at times. With the support of my amazing and close network of friends (Tasmin and her house, Shannon and hers, my home pals, Finn, Beth, Bronte and more!) and my mum picking me up when I called or came home in tears about how stressed and sad I felt about it all, I managed to keep on getting out of bed and sat at my desk/at uni until I hit at least 100 words at a time. My anxiety also decided to enter the cocktail that caused me grief with all of this, and everything felt a bit too much at times, especially when I saw people way ahead of me, or doing better than me. this hit hardest when my friends handed their work in on Wednesday and when I took pictures of Beth and Hannah on Thursday as I still had another day. However, this extra day eased my anxiety a lot, and it was my supervisor's idea so I owe her that too, because it really helped having time to not over think it all and get it printed and bound without others running around like headless chickens and making it worse. I know other people don't mean to, but it's like when everyone else before the exam is panicking and you weren't before, but then you second guess everything you thought you knew, but only a bit worse because having clinical anxiety SUCKS. I managed to kick my mental health back a bit, and now I am far less stressed and feel so relieved and proud of myself for being able to complete such a huge feat to the very best of my ability.
My depression really hit me at times, making me doubt whether what I was doing was the right thing to do, or if I should even do university because I didn't feel good or smart enough to even be there at times. With the support of my amazing and close network of friends (Tasmin and her house, Shannon and hers, my home pals, Finn, Beth, Bronte and more!) and my mum picking me up when I called or came home in tears about how stressed and sad I felt about it all, I managed to keep on getting out of bed and sat at my desk/at uni until I hit at least 100 words at a time. My anxiety also decided to enter the cocktail that caused me grief with all of this, and everything felt a bit too much at times, especially when I saw people way ahead of me, or doing better than me. this hit hardest when my friends handed their work in on Wednesday and when I took pictures of Beth and Hannah on Thursday as I still had another day. However, this extra day eased my anxiety a lot, and it was my supervisor's idea so I owe her that too, because it really helped having time to not over think it all and get it printed and bound without others running around like headless chickens and making it worse. I know other people don't mean to, but it's like when everyone else before the exam is panicking and you weren't before, but then you second guess everything you thought you knew, but only a bit worse because having clinical anxiety SUCKS. I managed to kick my mental health back a bit, and now I am far less stressed and feel so relieved and proud of myself for being able to complete such a huge feat to the very best of my ability.
All in all it's a shame some people made me feel excluded or different, but I nailed it regardless. I cannot wait to get my grade back for it, because I know I've poured my heart and soul into it. This whole experience has shown me that I can adapt to any situation or criticism, I can average around 2,000 words a day with the right music and tea-to-snack ratio, and that I can deal with anything anyone or the universe throws at me even with everything else I've got going on (depression, I'm looking at you).
So, another HUGE thing off of the checklist for the rest of this year, and I'm really proud that it's all done and I've grown so much from it. I know that sounds tacky, but I'm feeling super good, and I couldn't have done it without all the support people have given me, so thank you all again you're brilliant. I know this post is a bit rambly and weird, but this is me: unfiltered, lightly edited (for clarity and them dang typos!) and just bossing it. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I've done it and I feel like a true champ...yellow backpack and all.
Big shout out to Finn for taking 23 amazing photos of me and my dissertation around campus, they're all glorious and I have used them on every social media account I own. Partially because they're great and I am super proud of doing my dissertation, but mostly because it cost £11 to print and bind them, so I needed to get my money's worth and abuse my campus and its beauty.
B x
So, another HUGE thing off of the checklist for the rest of this year, and I'm really proud that it's all done and I've grown so much from it. I know that sounds tacky, but I'm feeling super good, and I couldn't have done it without all the support people have given me, so thank you all again you're brilliant. I know this post is a bit rambly and weird, but this is me: unfiltered, lightly edited (for clarity and them dang typos!) and just bossing it. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I've done it and I feel like a true champ...yellow backpack and all.
Big shout out to Finn for taking 23 amazing photos of me and my dissertation around campus, they're all glorious and I have used them on every social media account I own. Partially because they're great and I am super proud of doing my dissertation, but mostly because it cost £11 to print and bind them, so I needed to get my money's worth and abuse my campus and its beauty.
B x
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