2017: A Reflection

Heyo!

Well heck, hasn't this year just zoomed on by?! I know I sound a bit like a broken record at this point, but this year has been very very strange for me for a plethora of reasons. I started off the year pretty happy, with a good support network of friends and family around me, and whilst I have ended almost the same as I started, I have lost some people along the way and gained new people too. It's been a really weird year and although it's been bloody brilliant, there have been some not-so-brilliant bits too. I'm not really into dwelling on the bad things now, because I know it's really rather self-destructive and makes me feel very sad and down for long periods of time, so I'll skim over the good, the bad, and the strange of 2017 for you all to read about. Grab a cuppa and some biscuits and settle down, and get ready for a pretty lengthy yet arguably pretty good reflective blog post by yours truly.

Get a cuppa, the bigger the better as it's gonna be a long old post all about yours truly!

Headlines:

I went to the pub with my friends last week, and Sam told me to say my 'headlines', and it's a really good way of catching up with people in a brief way. You basically say three headlines about you or your life that capture what you've done or been up to since you last saw that person. So I thought a nice way to start this very lengthy post would be with my 2017 headlines, because then if you want to skim at least you know the important stuff!

I am no longer on any medications for my mental health

I got a first in all my exams and portfolios

I got the confidence to be me more, and I really like me

People

First thing's first, I've made some amazing new friends this year throughout the year and I'm so glad I did. I met some really great people at Reading Festival too who really made a time I was very anxious about oh so special and gave me lots of happy memories over the summer I look back really fondly on! I made proper pals with Beth and Hannah from Publishing, and made new friends through forced social interaction, and I've never been happier that lecturers have forced me to socialise! I also made new pals all by myself too, both on and around uni, but also just in the real world, and I'm really glad my confidence has got to a point where I can now do this again because making friends is actually really nice and not as horrifically anxiety-inducing as I had once thought.

Many a night out was had, but not many picture were taken so have this gem again

I made most of my existing friendships even stronger, by meeting up with and talking to them more and more. Some pals have gone from just pals to true friends I know I can count on if I need to and I'm there for them if they need anything at all. It's so lovely watching all of my friendships blossom, and I know that all the close friends I have now I will most likely have for life.

Something that wasn't as great this year was that I went through a break up. It wasn't anything nasty, and I have no bad feelings or thoughts towards them. It was a tough couple of months, but in the end things happen and it's how you get back off, dust yourself off and go forward from something that really counts.

I saw The Killers and cried and sung until my throat hurt and had the best time!

To cheer this post up, I was able to reconnect with some friends this year and it was so nice to do so! I didn't stop contact with these people for any reason really, it was just that I was going through so much with uni and not being at home, and they were going through things in their lives that we kind of just drifted apart a bit. But that's okay, because I have friends that I don't see or talk to for weeks or months and it doesn't mean we hate each other, it just means we're both super busy and can't message each other 24/7. Reconnecting with pals was such a lovely experience, as it was over things like life stuff, uni stuff, mental health stuff, and even a shared love of the same band from high school (yes Lydia, this is Killers related and I still get weepy thinking about that night oh heck!) I encourage you to reconnect with friends if you want to and realise you've drifted, because you've probably got lots to catch up on, and they probably miss you just as much as you miss them.

Big Cheese became my new safe place and my fave night out (Nest has a place in my heart too!)

To my university pals, you guys have been absolute rocks this year. From the nights out, the general impromptu coffee sessions, the nights in fuelled with dark fruit and the new love of my life Hayley Kiyoko, to the take-out and study sessions that never worked, and the revision sessions, breakdown sessions, coffee and crisis sessions and everything else I really thank you all. This year has been so amazing and I am so glad that I have a very good bunch of people around me! So, to my course pals, my star-sign soulmate, my hunnies two roads over, T, Beth the biscuit bringer and to everyone else who knows they're in this little category you are amazing.

Again, most of my Reading pictures are awful so have me with my eyes shut with my gal Maddie

To my home pals, I thank you for meeting up with me when we are all about, and for ensuring that whenever I walk into Fishes (Worthing's Wetherspoons) that it kinda feels like coming home to something wonderful because I always bump into you in there! I have loads of memories this year of me and Robyn going for milkshakes (or at least trying to!) and hanging out in her currently very Christmassy flat and watching stuff like Shark's Tale and chatting about absolute rubbish! Thank you for letting me message you on pretty much a daily basis, and giving me updates, cupdates and constantly calling me out on things, I love you dearly! To Matt, my bearded gig-buddy hero, thank you for coming to gigs with me all over the shop and coming to visit me to cheer me up. To my main gal-pal Alisha, thanks for just being there and getting that we don't need to talk all the time, you're one of those pals that I know is only ever a message away. Through constant likes online and support when it is most needed, the friendship has thrived for another year.

Mental Health

I don't plaster my mental health for all the world to see, but I'm not not open about it when the topic comes up. I think the best way to get rid of the stigma around mental health is to actually talk about it, so that's what I'm going to do.

I started the year still on my medication, but I wasn't really happy about it because I wanted to be off my meds by the end of the year and able to go through the bad days so I could experience the good. I was on anti-anxiety tablets as well as some anti-depressants too. I don't know if this is/was the same for anyone else, but without meds I would have some days be an 8 (very good) and others a 2 (very bad) in regards to my mood and general feelings for myself and other etc. Throughout the course of the year I had good days, bad days, and pretty mellow and 'meh' days, and on the good days I enjoyed myself and the bad days hit like a wave knocking me right back, and I knew I didn't want to continue this way. I was cleared off of all medication in October, and I've been feeling really good. When I am having a bad day my friends and family have made it really clear I can talk to them or meet up with them and have some company if I ever need it, and it means so much to me and works better for me than any pills ever could.

Coffee sessions/study sessions in coffee shops became more of a thing this year, and I will be bringing them into 2018

One of the main things that I think helped push me to come off meds was having therapy. I think more people should go, because humans have lots of things going on and it really helps even if you don't think it's a big deal to talk through things and bounce ideas and thoughts off of someone who knows what they're talking about. I have done different types of therapy in the past, and this round was the most helpful (probably because he loved tea as much as I did and always made me a cuppa!) I am so happy I found someone I could talk to. Even though we covered some stuff at the end that I was very apprehensive about not having resolved by the end of sessions, I know now that just by knowing what my problems have been makes tackling them that much easier! I've managed to tackle most things head on with his guidance, and know what to do now and have done so much, I'm thrilled at how far I've come in 12 months so heck yeah go me!

I can leave the house even on a bad day now, and I have learned to be kind to myself after years of self-sabotage, and whilst I'm still pretty harsh on myself I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I know you're your own worst critic, but I used to be my own hate-club too, but now I'm becoming a bigger fan of myself every day, embracing things about myself I used to hate and wearing them as little badges of pride, something I never thought I would be able to do. I know it really sounds like I'm blowing my own trumpet here, but I haven't done this in a long time and not hating yourself every day feels pretty rad.

University

The last year saw me do so much in both the Publishing and English literature modules for my degree. I've said it once and I'll say it again - doing a joint honours degree is bloody hard! I have to mix a course which is pretty traditional in its layout with another course that is new, innovative and a breath of fresh air. Whilst they compliment each other at times, they were very difficult to have alongside each other and often caused me a huge deal of stress.

My uni year looked a lot like this, but the To-Do lists were different every week and always made me want to cry

Throughout the rest of my second year of university (January-May) I did so many things for my course, I wrote a post about it all earlier this year. My list of highlights includes:

Creating, writing, designing and marketing a magazine with two of my favourite people

I read Clarissa TWICE and finished my essay on it without too much crying

I created a full EPUB of Alice in Wonderland (if you want a copy let me know!)

I got really good at InDesign and got to grips with other software too

I got a first in both my Gothic and Critical Reading exams

I got a first in my Publishing portfolio

I finished the year with a very high 2:1 overall (it took me ages to figure out my grades, again, joint honours is a huge pain in the butt at times!) I was so thrilled with all of my results, and although one lower grade let me down I managed to do so well, especially under exam stress! I felt that I did so well academically and I felt ready to kick my third and hopefully final year of my undergraduate degree right in the butt and boss it.

I started my third and hopefully final year of my undergraduate degree in October, and I think it's been going pretty well thus far. I've not got anything below a 2:1 yet, and I'm on track to finish my degree with at least a 2:1 which would make me so happy considering how hard I've had to work to get to where I am now. Something that I have been dreading since I started uni way back in 2015 was my dissertation, but now I've sorted what i am doing and know how to approach it all I feel confident in my ability to thrive in it and get the best grade possible.

Career-y Stuff

This year has been really good for me in regards to exploring potential career options, and for getting recognition for the work I have done and want to do in the future.

The first major thing I did this year was get involved with FEISTY, an online music publication established by Katy Blackwood to cover all things music from new music releases, bands to watch, photo essays, gig reviews, interviews and much more. The focus was more on things outside of the charts, and this is very much my taste, so to be able to get involved and have Katy take a chance on me was an amazing experience! I have had some work published on their website, and Katy really helped me with establishing the right tone of voice, sentence structure and vocabulary for when it comes to writing about music. Although I do not often implement this style on my blog, it is so nice to know that I can now write in this way and also assess the structure of my own work to see what needs editing or rephrasing.

Alongside FEISTY, I have also been published online on a couple of other websites which is crazy! I won't name them because I hope to write for them in the future and don't want to come across as needy, but it was amazing to have my writing published places other than my own blog!

We created Dark Horse magazine, and it was a very proud moment seeing it bound!

I created a magazine as a part of my course in second year, and was able to experiment with my writing style there as well, writing, editing and proofing articles as well as helping out in a group effort for the design aspects and initial brainstorming. To write, edit, and publish my own work as a part of something we were all so proud of was so amazing, and to physically see my work in print was crazy. I have it saved as a pdf as well, so it will form a part of my professional writing portfolio. I would love to start my own zine at some point, so to know I can do a lot of the steps needed already is a huge bonus!

I am also doing a year as an Editorial Assistant at Irish Studies Review through my university. This role s something that I was looking to apply for after university, so doing it now is a chance to get my foot in the door and explore my options in the post-uni world further. I am really enjoying it so far, and working with Leah and Josh on it is great because they're really funny and lovely people! Working on a journal that has such a huge reputation and big following is a great opportunity for me to build a portfolio of work and skills, and also show I have relevant work experience in the industry. I am so grateful that I have been given this opportunity and I feel really lucky for the insight it has given me into careers outside of uni int he fields I am interested in.

Overall, I've made huge progress this year work-wise, and I cannot wait to see whee 2018 takes me!

Resolutions: Did I hit them?

I did a new year's resolutions post at the very beginning of the year, so if you want more context then I suggest checking that out and then coming back here to finish this post so you fully get it all and I don't end up repeating myself for the people (mainly my mum) who have already read that one.

Getting fit and healthy

I actually managed to do this one pretty well! I started the year weighing around 12 stone, and it was really affecting my confidence and saw me wear my baggiest jumpers to avoid anyone being able to see my figure. I joined the gym at the end of January, and although I didn't go every day, I have gone at least 5 times every month and have befriended the scary men who do the weights. Plot twist: they aren't scary and were actually really fine with me asking them dumb questions like 'what does this do?' and 'is this right?' or 'can you help me?' whilst bright red in the face and stinking because I spent 30 minutes doing a bit too much cardio! I have now found a routine that works for me alongside my EDS and help me keep in some form of shape! I now currently weigh 9 stone 7lbs, and I'm so happy that I've managed to lose as much as I have! This was down to a mix of cutting back on some of the foods I eat and exploring new foods too, as well as the gym and late-night dance parties and workouts in my room! I don't go to the gym all the time, and I don't just eat vegetables (I mean, have you HAD bourbons and potatoes?) but it's manageable if you tackle it sensibly and are willing to make small changes. Two-and-a-half stone might not seem a lot, but I actually like how I look in the mirror now.

Reading more

I've smashed this one too, and I feel really good in this achievement! I set myself the goal of 50 for this year, because this would mean for every book I read for uni, I would have to read one for fun! I managed to smash this target, and I surpassed the 80 mark which I am super proud of. Granted, some of the books I read were ones I had read before, or were shorter stories, but I think opening, reading, and then closing over 80 books was a huge achievement and I am really excited to try and do it again next year!

I know I'm recycling pictures, but I spent more time reading the books than taking pictures of them!

I also took to reading more articles and extended essays in my spare time about things that interested me. This was pretty easy, because I already follow what happens in the world via social media and reliable, non-tabloid online publications so reading their takes on current affairs and the submissions they got in the form of extended essays and open-letters was really interesting. I found that engaging with what was happening in the world around me in this way was a far better use of my time than just seeing a headline and getting annoyed by it like I had done in previous years. I am going to continue this resolution into next year, and try to read two books a week, which is a tall order and will require discipline but I reckon I can manage it! (I will probably give myself time off around dissertation hand-in time because I will be so stressed I will be a walking mess of tears, naps and anxiety!)

Taking myself less seriously

This is something that I struggled to do at times, but overall I think everyone would agree with me when I say I did manage to do this pretty darn well! I have been way more myself this year, and although it may have lead to me losing a few 'pals' along the way like at the end of the day I feel really happy now with how I am. I don't feel the need to really act differently around different people, and also I've found since taking myself less seriously and letting my guard down a bit I've made friends with really great people and had some experiences I wouldn't have had before.

Nobody can be taken seriously in a doughnut cushion bopping along to Rick Astley but I loved it so heck

Although I was worried about pushing myself out of my comfort zone, it's done me the world of good and I am so glad with the confidence I have gained as a result, I don't feel as pressured in social situations, and I can openly talk about things that I wouldn't have dared speak about before. If you're stuck for a resolution, or with your confidence, then you should try just taking yourself less seriously because you have a lot of fun and it'll change your perspective on so many things!

*

I hope you've all made the most of the year, and whatever it threw at you you've been able to fight back at, embrace or do what you had to do with it to make this year the best it could possibly be. I've spent the last couple of weeks getting mentally prepared for the next year, and I am ready to make 2018 my bitch. I am going to be doing some big and great things, and I'm so excited to be doing them as the best version of myself to date, which sounds tacky but heck it's true!

I have a feeling 2018 is going to have some really good things in store for me, even if it's just turning 21 and getting to read loads more books and make many more memories with the people I love in the cities I live in. I can't bloody wait.

All my love,

B x